Recently I bought a piece of furniture from Laura Ashley. Never Again.
If you wanted a definitive guide as to how to turn a customer into a Negative Brand Advertiser in four easy steps, read on. And if you just want a laugh at an example of breath-taking customer service ineptitude, you'll like this too.
Step 1. Delivery of Goods.
After the customer has managed to eventually agree a delviery slot with you based on your extremely limited availability of these, advise them that the item will be delivered up one flight of stairs for free, but an additional flight will cost £60, due to Health and Safety regulations. This should get things off to a flying start.
Step 2. Dealing with Damaged Goods.
If goods are damaged in transit, offer the customer either a £20 discount off a £550 piece of damaged furniture, or a wait of 4-6 weeks for a new piece, with no goodwill gesture to compensate for the wait and inconvenience. Do this in the most rude, obnoxious, patronising, dismissive and unsympathetic way possible. Importantly, do not to apologise for the any aspect of the customer's unhappiness with the experience thus far. Remember- Retailers often talk about exceeding customers’ expectations. This would be a key moment for doing just that, so beware.
Step 3. Dealing with a Customer Complaint.
When the customer wishes to escalate the issue, advise them that you refuse to give them the name of anybody more senior within the customer relations team. Remember, openess and transparency are encouraged in most modern customer relations departments, to build trust, so avoid this at all costs. When the customer advises they will be making a complaint about the your conduct, make it clear that you aren't bothered.
Step 4. Problem Resolution.
If a senior member of staff does eventually speak to the customer, they should not make any attempt over and beyond what has already been advised, that might turn around the unhappy customer's negative experience with the business. Be mindful that a customer who gets more than they were looking for in response to a complaint will become a confirmed fan of your business, and god forbid that this would be the eventual outcome of the situation.
Step 5. A Happy Ending.
Arrange eventual delivery of the new item. Don't turn up. And don't tell the customer you aren't going to turn up either. Have them wait another few weeks for their item instead. The customer should appreciate your grand gesture that your third delivery attempt will be at their convenience rather than yours- after they have taken time off work for the previous two. When the customer eventually get their piece, three months after they originally ordered it, with three delivery attempts, numerous expensive phonecalls, and breath-taking rudeness, offer them a £30 gift-card.
This token gesture should ensure that they never trouble you with any further purchases in their lifetime, and tell all their friends (and their blog readers) about your poor excuse for customer service. And that was the point, wasn't it?
It is astonishing that in today's still very uncertain retail climate, businesses still think they can get away with such woefully inadequate customer relations, but they do so at their own peril.
You have been warned.
